Does your mind ever wander when you’re having sex? Do you sometimes struggle to let go of your concerns and be present during sex? People leading stressful lives or those with internal anxieties often bring the external world into bed, which can affect their sexual pleasure. The inability to relax and let go during sex can also lead to a lack of lubrication, erectile dysfunction, and other sexual problems like anorgasmia.
If you can’t relax during sex, your experience is likely to end with disappointment and an inability to reach orgasm
To truly enjoy sex, you need to connect not just with your partner but also your body. While it’s possible to go through the motions during sex, it’s nowhere near as pleasurable or exciting as listening to your body’s rhythms and connecting with your partner. If you can’t relax during sex, your experience is likely to end with disappointment and an inability to reach orgasm (not that orgasm is essential to sex.)
Furthermore, the inability to relax during sex, or getting distracted during sex, is also likely to affect your relationship. Even if you have sex regularly, your partner can probably sense that your mind is elsewhere, that you’re not truly focused on them. And that’s likely to increase their dissatisfaction, leading to stress and relationship problems. While there’s no quick fix to these problems, you can gradually build tools and habits that help you relax during sex.
1. Just Breathe
Focusing on your breath is the first step towards reconnecting with your body. This doesn’t just apply to your sexual experience but rather to all aspects of life. Whenever you feel your mind wandering, bring it back into your body by focusing on your inhalations and exhalations. This allows you to focus on your body’s most crucial processes, bringing you firmly into your body. It also helps you overcome distractions, improving your overall sexual experience.
2. Communicate
Sex is an extremely intimate activity, one that opens you up to your partner without any layers. If your mind is distracted, your partner is bound to notice that your mind is elsewhere. And most people are likely to take that personally, seeing your distracted mind as a sign that you’re not interested in them, which can lead to relationship problems.
Open communication during sex allows you to recenter your mind while letting your partner know that your drifting mind is your thing. Ask them for help and patience while you reconnect, and let them know if you need them to touch you or kiss you a certain way to bring you back. Doing this will strengthen your connection and encourage them to further trust you with their insecurities and struggles, strengthening your bond further.
3. Contract & Relax
When you feel disconnected from your body, try contracting all the muscles in your body for a few seconds. To contract your muscles, you need to focus on your muscles, thinking about each individual muscle you’re controlling. Furthermore, you experience a deep sense of relaxation when you let the muscles go and return to the present moment. Contracting your muscles improves your relaxation.
4. Sexual Mindfulness
One of the best ways to return to your body and relax is through a systematic focus on the individual sensations in your body. When your mind is drifting, think about your body and scan it from head to toe. Think about how each individual body part feels, and focus on your partner’s touch. Let your partner’s touch reverberate through your body and register its sensation. Make an active effort to inscribe that sensation in your mind.
Think about your heartbeat, listen to your partner’s breath, and focus on everything. While scanning your body and the sensations, give them vivid adjectives and descriptions. Describe the sensations and feelings as cold, hot, wet, dry, smooth, rough, soft, loud, pulsating, throbbing, vibrating, tender, etc. An example would be, “My partner’s rough fingers around my nipples are sending shivers down my body, causing a tingling in my thighs.”
As you actively think about your bodily sensations, you’re more likely to perceive and register the pleasure, improving your sexual experience. Furthermore, this will make your internal monologues dissipate, and over time, focusing on your sensual experience will become the norm. As time progresses, you won’t have to actively think about the sensations — your mind will do it automatically. Just like most things, sexual mindfulness is a habit.
5. Allow Yourself Time to Get in the Mood
Sexual arousal isn't like flipping a switch—it often requires time and the right mindset. Rushing into sex when you're not mentally or physically prepared can make it harder to relax and fully enjoy the experience. Take the time to set the mood before getting intimate with your partner. This could mean engaging in foreplay, having a relaxing bath together, or simply spending quality time connecting emotionally.
By allowing yourself this time, you give your body and mind the opportunity to transition from the stresses of daily life to a more relaxed and receptive state. This not only enhances your pleasure but also strengthens the emotional bond with your partner, making the entire experience more fulfilling.
6. Beyond Orgasms
Being focused on your (or your partner’s) orgasm builds immense pressure, which can counterintuitively make it harder to orgasm or stay connected. It can make people get inside their heads, disconnecting from their desires and the partner’s experience. To achieve a truly splendid orgasm, you need to relax, and to relax, you need to stop thinking about orgasms.
And even if the orgasm doesn’t come (for whatever reason), the experience would have been worthwhile.
Instead of the destination, focus on the journey. Derive pleasure from kissing, teasing, licking, foreplay, and everything else involved in sex, and the orgasm will come naturally. And even if the orgasm doesn’t come (for whatever reason), the experience would have been worthwhile. As such, one of the best ways to relax and enjoy sex is to liberate yourself from performance anxiety and the need to orgasm.
If you follow the tips in this article, you’ll gradually train your mind to relax during sex, allowing you to be more present and enjoy the sexual journey.
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